Anthony Schmitz, a St. Paul, Minnesota, boat builder, goes kayaking for three weeks every summer without his wife, Patti. "I can say with some authority that Patti does not love the kayak," Schmitz says. "But I have pals who like to paddle fairly hard, at least for old guys, and we're all happy getting to places where you can't drive, you can't buy anything and, if you didn't bring it, you just don't have it. This is not Patti's idea of a good time. Ditto for bugs and sleeping on the ground. So either we could arrive at some unhappy compromise, or we can go our separate ways now and then. If we didn't, I suspect we'd both go nuts."
Of course it's no good going on separate vacations if you don't trust each other to come back and stay faithful. I trust Jim completely, and he gives every indication of trusting me. When Jim and I are apart, however, we check in regularly -- usually at least once a day, either by telephone or e-mail. Oddly, the one who's away supposedly having a riotous time on vacation is usually the one who most wants the reassurance of spousal contact.
When you take separate vacations, you can be also be hideously and gloriously self-centered, not compromising on what time you'll eat breakfast, what route you'll drive or what flea markets you'll deem worthy of a stop. You can also come to the uncomfortable conclusion that your spouse has better judgment than you do about things such as the timing of meals, the fastest route, etc. So you might return with a new appreciation for the very qualities you once ridiculed. Jim and I rarely travel for work, so I can't speak for those who spend too much time alone in their own homes. For me, one of the nicest things about separate vacations is that, when he leaves on one, I have the house to myself. I don't do anything much differently, but I do revel in the solitude. Then I can't wait until he comes home.
Cynthia Crossen writes the Deja Vu and Readback columns for the Wall Street Journal. She is the author of "Tainted Truth: The Manipulation of Fact in America" and "The Rich and How They Got that Way."
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